The Same Ole Problem

Working Mom Problems 

Last night Jellybean woke up crying in his Pack N Play. Naturally, I went to pick him up and was alarmed when his skin felt too warm for comfort. I grabbed his ear thermometer and the panic quickly set over me when his temperature read at 100.7 degrees. Granted, that's not something to be too worried about for a 6 month old. It's just a mild fever right? Except the present scares with babies getting sick all over the country jumped to the forefront of my mind. The new fears that have come into my life since having Jellybean are paralyzing and I struggle with them everyday. Seeing my little one's temperature rise doesn't make that any easier. 

That sleepless night, I meticulously watched over him and took his temperature every few hours. In the morning, his temperature dropped to 99 degrees. I had a pretty important planning exercise meeting at work in the afternoon, but figured a morning in bed with mama and then the daycare later in the day would work out for us since he was starting to feel better. Except for waking up more during the night, Jellybean actually did really well. There were no changes to his typical happy laid back personality. By mid morning, his temperature spiked up to 100.5 again, and I called work telling them this half day idea wouldn't work out. I just didn't feel comfortable leaving him at the daycare where he could get other kids sick (they send kids home with temps 101 and over anyway), and where he wouldn't get the attention I could provide him. 

I know choosing to stay home with my little one is the right decision. But I feel guilty about not making a really important meeting this afternoon. I know my flight has it covered and I'm grateful to be in a position where last minute emergencies can easily be handled since....well...frankly I'm the boss. But at the same time, as someone in a leadership role, I place a huge emphasis on setting the example. I know I live in a magnifying glass and they watch my every move. In no way would my guys ever look down on me for staying home to take care of my son, but I just hate that I feel guilty someone has to go to this meeting for me because I can't be there. I hate that I even have to choose between work and my Jellybean. My son will always win that battle, but I don't want to have that battle in the first place. 

Missing a meeting is a pretty small issue in the grand scheme of things but it's just the beginning. Working moms have to make these decisions all the time and the issues can sometimes be much more important than just an exercise planning meeting. There are times like retirement ceremonies, luncheons, or even just hearing the national anthem that makes me so proud to serve. I love wearing the uniform, I really can't see myself doing anything else. During those re-blue moments, I am motivated to stay in and live out this career I've spent so long trying to build. But then days like today happen, and I just don't think I can do it. When Jellybean needs me, I want to be able to drop everything and take care of him. I don't want the daycare, a nanny, or even a friend to do the job- it's my job as his mother. It's my job to provide for him too though- and that means working. I love that this kid of mine doesn't want for anything...but that's all material. Isn't my presence what he needs above all else? The work vs. stay at home debate is definitely tough on me. 

My sick kiddo......

Sleeping in with mama 

Fell asleep on me while doing one of his favorite things....climbing Mt. Mama