Transitioning Past Co Sleeping

Sleep Training Day 1

Well, it's the morning after our first attempt to sleep train. And when I say our, I really mean me. I definitely have mixed feelings about this step in my parenting adventure. But, we are a military family and when the military calls, we have to come running. And they've called me up for a 5-week training course in January which means it will just be Jellybean and Matt for a while.

I don't regret my co-sleeping decision at all. At first, it was just easier to have him sleep on my chest as a newborn since he would wake every two hours to nurse and I was desperate for SOME sleep. And then since Matt and I lived under two separate roofs, it was easier to have Jellybean sleep in bed with me. I was basically doing single working mom duty during that time. Running a flight and taking care of an infant by myself required maximizing on sleep. It was just much easier to roll over to my squirming baby and nurse him until we both fell asleep again-something that normally took less than 10 minutes. Even when Matt and I started working on the same installation again, Jellybean still co-slept....until the bomb dropped that I'd have to leave my boys for 5 weeks. In addition to teaching Matt how to do everything and pass on the wisdom I'd gained over the last 8 months, I needed to find a way to get that kiddo of mine to sleep in his own bed. I decided it was time for sleep training. Matt wouldn't be able to just roll over and nurse a fussy baby in the middle of the night. But that's not the only reason. He works differently than I do. It's probably why we can manage to get along so well. We're polar opposites. I'm a billion times more patient than him and can control my anger/frustration way better. I attribute both to being considerably older than my sisters and having a large part in raising them while I was growing up. I was definitely forced to be an "adult" much sooner than my husband who up to this point, had no experience taking care of anyone else.  High School for me was a mix of shuffling after school activities, chauffeuring my sisters around, making dinner for the three of us, and doing homework into the wee hours of the night.



It's definitely bitter sweet. I've received both outspoken and quiet judgment on my decision to take on more of an attachment parenting role in Jellybean's life.  I'm definitely more of a granola-type mom with baby-led weaning, exclusively breastfeeding, and co-sleeping. It's not necessarily what people deem "the norm" and there are those out there that believe he should have been sleeping in his own bed months ago or right from the beginning. But if every new parent listened to the judgment of others, we'd never figure out how to do things on our own. Everyone is different and I've always chosen to do what "felt" right for me and my kiddo. And despite this status quo that people seem to think I need to adhere to, there are a billion benefits to co-sleeping that seems to be overlooked. Now that I've been doing more research on bed sharing, I've come to realize that what I originally gave in to as "easy" was really me relying on my instincts sans advice from articles, experienced moms, books, etc.



Bed sharing is extremely common in non-Western cultures. These cultures often place more of an emphasis on the importance of family kinship vs. adhering to the latest trend/rant from "Dr. So-and-So." Many countries that embrace sharing the family bed have the lowest rates of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The bottom line becomes, what's natural?  A baby sleeping in a crib across the hall? How natural and basic are multi room/ multi floor houses anyway? If we're back to embracing how natural breastfeeding is, then why shouldn't we be back to embracing how natural it is for the family unit to band together to make the infant feel safe and secure? Tiny humans thrive and grow optimally when they feel safe- in close proximity to the familiar and their nurturers. "Thinking outside the crib" is one of the best ways to give my Jellybean that healthy start in life.  Dr. James J. McKenna from Notre Dame, and a list of other experts, have conducted extensive research on the importance of bed-sharing. Co-sleeping doesn't create needy children. It in fact facilitates teaching children to be independent Many supporting articles can be found here:http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/sleeping.html.



Co-Sleeping also promotes breastfeeding. And while I'm ranting about being judged for my parental decisions, I'm going to go ahead and judge those that don't embrace breastfeeding (unless of course a medical condition got in the way). The increased exposure to my antibodies from continuous breastfeeding is arming my little one with weapons that will serve his body a LIFETIME. I was breastfed for a long time, my eyesight is perfect and I've never suffered from allergies among many health issues that I just don't have. Doctors rave about my blood pressure, cholesterol, heart rate, and overall health. I'm not obsessed with healthy eating and although I place an emphasis on fitness, it's not something that controls my life, so I attribute my excellent health to my mom breastfeeding me. A personal added benefit to breastfeeding? As a breastfeeding mom, it reduces my risk of breast cancer!

The truth is, most babies don't sleep through the night. And yet the myth continues to be perpetuated as moms refuse to admit their late night woes. I'm so grateful that I've been able to give my son the reassurances he's needed. Solitary infant sleep is a relatively new practice that has evolved in the western world ONLY and within the last 100 years. Last I checked, we've been around for a lot longer than that. Research continues to support that when co-sleeping is practiced by informed parents, it is more safe and beneficial than letting a kiddo sleep in their own bed. Fortunately though, I've found that as mothers begin to make the move back to exclusively breastfeeding (yay!) bed-sharing has also increased in the United States (although it isn't receiving the type of praise it should yet). The low-calorie composition of breast milk (vs. factory produced formula) requires more nighttime feeds, which helps explain why there is a SLOW cultural shift towards co-sleeping. It's just 100X easier to co-sleep and breastfeed!  More info on attachment parenting here:http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/night.


I can't nor have I truly complained about the fact that Jellybean has never slept through the night. His longest spurts of uninterrupted sleep normally last 4 hours. Despite my constant waking to comfort my fussy baby throughout the night, I've still been able to get up at 0530 to work a full 8-10 hour day, manage to squeeze a 30 minute workout in, find some way to feed myself non-fast food meals, and keep my house clean. Sometimes, one or two of the things on this list fall by the wayside, but who doesn't want to indulge in some McDonald's every now and then anyway. The truth of it is, I've managed to function pretty well co-sleeping and with a baby that doesn't sleep through the night.  The best result? I have the most incredible bond with my son. He NEEDS me, I NEED him. I can look into his eyes and know exactly what he's feeling. I know if he's just enjoying the moment or if those gears are turning in his mind. I know if he's crying to be picked up or crying because he has a complaint. I understand every wail, every look, and can anticipate his next move. He sees me as his companion, his nourishment, his security. The intimacy I share with him is unparalleled and my commitment to him unwavering.

By being there for my son at night, he knows that he's in good hands and will always be supported. He knows I'm there for him and reassurance and comfort with me is ingrained into his heart from the earliest of ages. This in turn encourages him to explore the world around him because he knows mom will be there to catch him. The proof is in the research, I'm not just making stuff up here. My own experiences fully support this as well. I co-slept for the longest time and here I am at 30 years old with a Master's degree, a Bachelor's degree, a military officer, smart, patient, creative, strong-willed, proactive,  and 100% Type-A and 100% independent. I've always been that way even while growing up. While my mom played her role in keeping me clothed/fed/sheltered, my activities/decisions/aspirations/boundaries were driven by my independence. Her hands off approach (except when it came to striving for excellence in my schoolwork, leading to me graduating with a 3.97 GPA and at the top 5% of my class) didn't deter from my growing up to be independent because I knew and still know, that if I were to severely fall, she'd ALWAYS welcome me in any capacity.

I'm extremely grateful that I've been able to embrace co-sleeping with my son for as long as I have. I by no means intend on raising a spoiled rotten kid. I understand the importance of raising an independent, self-sufficient young man. I walk a fine line and balancing attachment parenting with anti-spoiling can seem like an oxymoron, but believe me it's very much possible to raise well behaved children who don't feel abandoned in the middle of the night.

And yet, despite my rant, I've had to take on the cry it out method and begin sleep training. It's not a step I WANT to take but it's one I have to. It takes BOTH parties to agree to bed sharing and I honestly don't think Matt can handle it while I'm in Alabama for 5 weeks. Perhaps it's the mother gene in me that gives me that extra boost to continue functioning day to day on minimal sleep. Perhaps it's the mother gene in me that makes me more attached to my son and sacrifice my needs for his better development. Making the call to stop co-sleeping was difficult, and yet, in the long run, I know it's ultimately SAFER for Jellybean to be around a dad that can function properly while mom is away. And I know I'm the only one that can handle sleep training him AND still work a full day which is why we need to get over this hurdle before I leave for training. As much as I want to adore my child and give in to every part of attachment parenting, I know I can't let my relationship with my husband fall by the wayside either. Because in the long run, in order for Jellybean to have the most fulfilling and supportive childhood, mom and dad need to be strong pillars for him to build his own foundation upon. I'm glad I've been able to co-sleep for this long though! Maybe by the time baby #2 comes along I'll be out of the military and won't have to worry about running off for weeks on end and leaving my family behind to fend for themselves. Then I can fully embrace the type of parent I want to be and raise my kiddos according to what my heart tells me is right vs. what people with either more experience or people that have been drinking the latest kool aid supplied by Dr. So-and So say to them.

Last night's schedule:

1830: Bath Time
1845: Nurse
1900: Fell asleep in Pack N Play
2015: Woke up crying
2100: Fell asleep on his own
2240: Woke up crying, breast fed, back to sleep in Pack N Play
0120: Woke up crying
0300: Finally fell asleep
0345: Woke up crying, breast fed, back to sleep
0600: woke up crying, but mom was up and ready to wake him up to get dressed/breakfast before daycare anyway so I picked him up so we could start our day.

I'm EXHAUSTED today but apparently sleep training shouldn't take more than a week. I'm determined to find other ways to assure my son that mama's there for him though and I hope this decision to move away from the family bed doesn't hurt us in anyway. It doesn't feel 100% right for me and my baby, but it's right for me, my baby, and my husband. We'll see what happens.