A Special Heartbeat

Getting Sentimental 

Earlier today, I was watching One Tree Hill and came upon the episode where Haley and Nathan hear their child's heart beat for the first time. Hearing that heart beat gave me an all too familiar feeling and my heart skipped a beat as I recalled the first time I heard Jellybean's heartbeat on the sonogram machine. To me, that baby in my belly was a positive test result but.....wasn't really my reality until I heard that heart beat for the first time. I remember laying down in my midwife's office waiting...and waiting....holding my breath. Everything I had read said although the tests may be positive, nothing confirms that little miracle's existence like the first sounds of life. 

When I first heard Jellybean's, I didn't burst into tears and cry like some. I was more amazed that there was a beating human heart inside me...that wasn't my own! It seemed surreal to hear that muffled underwater sounding beat of his tiny yet powerful heart. In that moment, my own heart felt like it expanded tenfold. Never had I experienced such a profound love and desire to protect what at that time, wasn't even the size of a raisin. 

Then she showed me the ultrasound. They really do look like peanuts at that age. Still no tears though...ok, maybe a little bit of welling in the corners of my eyes. More from shock though since, I definitely wasn't planning on having a baby any time soon! But, God has a plan for me, and I've had enough experiences in my life to know to trust His plan because He knows best. And sure enough, almost a year since I heard that first heartbeat , despite the many twists and turns in between then and now, waking up to Jellybean in my life makes waking up a billion times more exciting than ever before. 

I can't believe that tiny thing is my Jellybean! Beating heart and all.
Chubby cheeks, baby blue eyes, arm and leg rolls everywhere, and the sweetest smile ever.
That teeny tiny thing turned into the most important thing in my life.

The Firsts

While on the topic of firsts, I just have to gush about those first kicks. They say it feels like popcorn popping in your belly. I felt those first few movements so early, earlier than what they said first time mom's should be feeling. But I say forget the baby books, because my Jellybean does whatever he wants and if he wanted mama to feel those kicks early, then who am I to complain? The fun part was when other people felt him kick. The first person to feel Jellybean was Christina! We were in Peru and Amanda had eagerly been waiting to feel my little man kick. We'd sit through tours with her hand on my belly....just *waiting* While we were all laying in bed one night, her mom called so Amanda went to talk to her mom and Jellybean took that moment to get active. Christina placed her hand on my belly and bam! He kicked her. Amanda came running back, placed her hand on my belly, and nothing. Sharing that special moment, that moment that someone else feels my baby's first kicks- I can't ever take it back, change it, alter it.....and I'm so glad I was with my awesome friends during that time and could share it with them!  

Sometimes I miss that movement I felt in my belly. That reassurance that my baby was inside moving around and well. That comfort of every jab, no matter how painful it ended up being towards the end of my pregnancy. 

Taken right after Jellybean kicked Christina. Amanda was not too happy.
Peru in November is freezing btw! Hence the jackets/beanies. 

A Mother's Love 

You really can't understand a mother's love until you yourself become one. We all know moms love their babies but knowing it and *feeling* it are night and day. This little man has changed my life in so many ways. I've never known a love like this, and yet, at the same time, I've never known a fear like this either. How do I protect Jellybean from all the terrible things in the world? Of course I can't, and of course he will have his share of tears, heartbreak, and trying times, and it kills me to think that his heart will ever hurt and anything but laughter would ever escape those precious lips. I really don't think I had experienced the full spectrum of emotions until Jellybean was first placed on my chest those first few moments after childbirth. Despite the overwhelming fear I now live with, the profound love, of course, overshadows it all. 

Love him so much!