My Scariest Day As A Mom...So Far

Being A Mom  Is Awesome, Except When It's Not

Being a mom is fun, rewarding, and gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Being a mom is also terrifying, exhausting, and full anxiety attacks. This last week, I spent way too much time experiencing the latter. My time with Jellybean has been relatively stress free. We've had our bumps in the road like having to take care of him alone for the first 10 months, leaving him for 5 weeks, the "witching hour" that newborns tend to get, but it's been a short and relatively anxiety free list. That all changed last Monday. 

In the weeks leading up to Monday, Jellybean had an ear infection and then developed some weird rash. It was his first ear infection and we treated it with antibiotics. The rash? The doc said it was probably virus caused and not to worry since his only other symptoms were a runny nose (which he's had since he was about 4 months old. I guess I just have one of those always congested kids). On Monday I got a call from the daycare that my little guy was running a fever of 102. I was on the phone with my squadron superintendent and had my flight chief and Lt in the office with me. But when the daycare calls, I drop everything to answer. When I got THAT call, I grabbed my stuff, said I have to get my kid, and didn't wait for a response. I will drop anything for that boy and I'm grateful to be in a job that allows me the freedom to do so. While being a working mom has it's challenges, being a working mom that wears combat boots has its advantages. The Air Force, despite what some critics would say, is extremely family oriented. The military understands that we are in a profession that takes us away from our families, and in some terrible cases, permanently leaves our children without a mom or a dad. I'm extremely liberal with the my Airmen's  requests to take time to take care of loved ones and my bosses are the same with me. All that made it easy to walk away from that meeting to take my kid to the doc. 

At urgent care, they took his temperature under his arm. THIS WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE. I didn't speak up when his temp read 99.something when the daycare said it was higher and he FELT higher. The doctor chalked it up to a fever from a cold, said give him Tylenol and fluids, and he'd get better. Ok fine, I'll take the day off to take care of my feverish kiddo. No problem there, last time he had a fever it lasted about 24 hours. On the drive home, something didn't' seem right. Even with the music on the radio, I could hear Jellybean's labored breathing. My kid is normally a mouth breather because of his congestion so I was used to hearing him breathe but this was on a whole different level. It was LABORED breathing. When we got home, I took him out of the car seat and he felt even warmer than I remembered. I took his temp with our ear thermometer (to any moms out there that don't have an ear thermometer, GET ONE! Sure they're a little pricey but they are WORTH IT). The thermometer read 103.7! I immediately dosed him with Tylenol. I SHOULD HAVE put him in a lukewarm (not cold) bath or at least put a cold wash cloth on his head. But I remembered the nurse saying he needed to stay hydrated and the daycare saying he hadn't eaten all day. So, I nursed him. Jellybean tends to run extremely warm when he sleeps. It could be 50 degrees in the room and that kid will sweat as soon as he falls asleep. While I was nursing him, I was reading up on baby fevers. Cranky, loss of appetite, seizures.... and I swear as soon as I read over fever induced seizures, Jellybean started acting odd so I looked down at him. His breathing had changed, he started burping a little, and then his whole body went rigid then started twitching, arms, legs, head, it was all twitching. His eyes were open and he was breathing but when I looked into his eyes, my kid was not there. This convulsing kid in my arms looked like my Jellybean but it wasn't him at the same time. His eyes were completely blank. His mouth was foaming and my heart was RACING. I picked him up so he wouldn't choke, the kid did just eat, and grabbed my phone. My brain said dial 911 but my fingers took longer to begin moving. That whole time my heart was going a zillion miles a millisecond. One hand held my seizing baby and the other hand talked to the annoyingly calm lady on the other end. How could she be so calm? It was driving me nuts. Didn't she realize that my whole entire world had just been flipped upside down? 

Matt came home (he stopped to get gas after the doctor's office so I got home before him) and started to freak out too. I remember him saying oh my God over and over again while we ran down the stairs to get our stuff (we were still in uniform, so while on the phone with 911 and holding my still seizing baby, I was looking for my hat. REALLY AMOR?  That's what's on your mind? You can't be outside without your cover in uniform?!) I gave the phone to Matt so I could better focus on my baby and while I was doing that, I accidently hung up on the annoyingly calm lady. Good one. Luckily we got her back on the line and shortly after the fire truck and ambulance came. 

Jellybean seized for what seemed like FOREVER but was really no more than 3 minutes. When he "came to" he was completely out of it. As a mom, my first thoughts were is this still my sweet loving kid????? Did that seizure change him? Damage his brain? I kept looking at him, watching him, silently and frantically looking for signs that this was still my handsome Jellybean. But he remained completely out of it. His eyes were looking around, his twitching stopped, and his breathing became more regular. He still didn't seem like my boy. As we rode in the ambulance to get to the ER, I continued to study my little guy for any traces of permanent damage. Despite the paramedics saying fever induced seizures were generally harmless, I needed to see it to believe it. 

Eventually, at the doctor's office in the ER, Jellybean started to be his normal talkative self. He was as "normal" as he could be because he was still of course running a fever. But his eyes looked the same and I knew my baby was back. When the nurse tried to take his underarm temp, I spoke up and said no so she took it rectally. They did a chest x-ray, an examination, and told us our little man just went through a Febrile seizure. Common in a lot of kids and especially runs in the family. Turns out they're somewhat common on Matt's maternal side. Jellybean is now more prone to having these; however, there's a big chance that was his only one. We got the green light to go home with directions to give him Tylenol to bring the fever down. 

Over the next 36 hours, Matt and I kept going back to the ER. In our minds, 104 was that magic number that would bring back that horrible seizure. We alternated between Tylenol and Motrin but didn't know if we were doing it too often or overdosing our kid with meds. Our guidance from the doc was....well nonexistent and they took our new parent lack of experience too lightly. FINALLY, on our 4th visit to the ER, we came across a doctor who understood that we were scared first time parents who needed the ABCs of baby fevers and viruses. He explained to us that it's no magical number that causes the seizure but rather how quickly the kiddo's temperature rises. It's no surprise that Jellybean had his while he was falling asleep because like I said, he runs pretty warm when he sleeps. He told us that since Jellybean's brain is still so young and new, it needed to "reboot" to protect itself. And that's what the seizure is. It's his defense mechanism against the virus and the fever that was spiking dangerously high. The rebooting process lowers his body temperature and while he will be out of it for 15-20 minutes after, he will be fine. The doc also explained that we can't make our kid OD on Tylenol and Motrin, that's why we alternate every 3-4 hours. That was our last trip to the ER. All it took  was a doctor to "dumb things down" so that us laypeople could better understand what our kid needed. 

A follow up visit to Jellybean's regular pediatrician revealed white ulcers on his throat which helped narrow down what type of virus was ailing my sweet boy. When his fever finally broke on Friday, his body got covered in pink/red blotches. The rash was the final symptom needed to determine that my kiddo had the Roseola virus. A significant amount of children get this virus before the age of 3 and if a baby is going to have a Febrile seizure, this virus is going to be what makes them have one. Fortunately, it's  a sickness that kiddos only get once and then develop an immunity to. 

Last week was HORRIBLE. Jellybean ran a fever above 103 Monday-Wednesday. On Thursday it hovered around 101. On Friday, it finally stayed below 100 and stayed below 100 all weekend. I didn't sleep that whole time. Especially that first night. I was terrified he would seize while I was sleeping so I watched him, checked his temp every 10 minutes ( I kid you not, every 10 minutes) and kept his head cool with a washcloth. Caring for a baby that is so obviously sick, a baby that has lost that spark (or in Jellybean's case that GOOFYNESS, because my kid is goofy with a capital G), and not being able to tell them what's happening to them, reassure them that they will be ok, and have them tell you where it hurts....it's terrifying and exhausting and I swear I lost 10 years of my life. Matt stayed home with us that week but Jellybean wanted nobody but mom. I nursed him as often as he wanted, I carried him when he wanted, I gave into my sick kid. He needed me and no tough parenting book was going to convince me not to "over love" my kid. 

During that first 36 hours of confusion and panic, I knew I couldn't let myself cry. I didn't cry when he was seizing, or after, on in the ER, or even that night. I knew that if I cried, I wouldn't be able to regain my composure and my kid needed me to be....well a parent. He needed me to keep my wits, to stay calm, and to take care of him. Later that week when would be sleeping in my arms, I cried a little and a few times, but I never had that big huge unleashing of the floodgates like I thought I would. Perhaps I was too tired or perhaps the moment had passed. I look at that kid and my heart screams with pain and love that he had to suffer for even a moment, tears well up, but they don't fall by the bucket load. 

Today, I took Jellybean to the doctor again. He had been sticking his finger in his ears all weekend and he screams bloody murder when I lay him down. Ear infection? Yup! Getting on an airplane in 4 days? Yup! I'm glad we caught the ear infection and can treat it before flying cross country from the east coast to the best coast. 

These last 7 days have been a rollercoaster ride I never want to be on ever again. I was never a fan of Busch Gardens anyway. When I thought his fever had broken, it would spike back up again and images of him seizing would come back. I eventually banned those hopeful thoughts from entering my heart. In a way, I'm still kind of weary of letting myself think my kid is back to normal. In a way, he's not. He never fussed about getting his diaper changed before and he has always been content playing next to me or playing in a room that I was in. Now? Oh my goodness this kid cannot stand to be away from me and when he's with me he insists on being either carried or nursed. That week of me caring for him got him extremely dependent on mom. Tough love books- you can do your thing now, I'll listen since my kid is better. I'm hoping time at daycare will help encourage that independent play he was so good at before. I'm hoping that these next two weeks home with my friends and family doesn't spoil my kid too much...but we all know it will. Oh well, that's why he goes to daycare. It encourages him to play with kids or alone without being carried or near mom. 

I of course have to give Matt credit for his part this last week. He also took the week off. And while Jellybean wouldn't let anyone else feed him or hold him and I had to take care of him, Matt made sure to take care of me. I lost 6 pounds in 5 days. I couldn't eat, except for when Matt basically forced me. I didn't sleep at night, but he took Jellybean during the afternoons to let me get some nap time in. He did the dishes, prepared meals, cleaned, everything else he could so that I could give our son my undivided attention. Parenting is definitely a partnership and I'm grateful for my partner. That partner who had to leave this week to go on an inspection and leave me with a whiny needy toddler to fly from Norfolk, Virginia to Seattle Washington with ALONE. But that trip is for another blog post.... 

I learned a lot this last week. A lot about my son, parenting, my abilities as a mom, and fear- literally paralyzing fear. I've spent so much time in complete awe of the beauty of motherhood and the way it makes me laugh, smile, and feel GOOD that I forgot about the other side. As good as being a mother feels, the bad is just as strong. The fear, anxiety, worry...it's all there too and it's on a level that I have never ever experienced before. I'm glad all the good outweighs those weeks of virus fighting and ER visits. It's been a crazy adventure so far, and it's only been a year! I can't wait to see what else motherhood and more babies will bring into my life. 

I always feel guilty for questioning God and his methods. Chalk that up to my Catholic upbringing I guess, that Catholic guilt is strong. But why do we get such pure beautiful children only to see them suffer? Thankfully, my sweet boy had a 5 day virus and is on the road to recovery. But during my late night hours with Dr. Google and reading up on children's illnesses, I became exposed to the horrible things that can happen to these otherwise PERFECT tiny humans. Ever since having my son, I can't read news articles related to the maltreatment of children. I change the channel on the TV or I flip the page on the magazine. I close out the web browser and open something mindless. I avoid it at all costs.  I worry about the types of diseases out there but know not to dwell on it because it will otherwise depress me and fill me with anxiety. But why is that stuff out there to begin with? Why do mothers have to stay up late stumbling across this stuff while they search for answers on the web on how to fix their own ailing child? I get that challenging his immune system will strengthen it. Isn't that why I breastfeed still? To give him the antibodies and nutrients that only mother's milk can? While we went through an extremely scary and trying time, we're coming out of it the same family we were going into it. But then I think of those families that don't. And I have to wonder why that happens? If God HAS to take children, why should there be any pain on that child's end? What's the lesson there? Am I completely wrong for questioning this in a public forum? In the long run, I have faith and I know that He has his reasons and His reasons are bigger and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that I prayed when my kid was hurting and I knew that he would get better because I had faith in my prayer. I reached out to friends and family to pray with me because I knew and fully believed that it would have a positive impact. My faith is strong despite the fact that I wonder and ask questions and I wish these questions wouldn't creep into my head and my heart. 

The night before his fever. Should have known looking at this face that he wasn't feeling well. 

Waiting at Urgent Care. Little did we know the rough road we would have in the days to come. As you can see, I'm still smiling, Jellybean....not so much. 

I didn't start taking pictures of my kiddo until he was better. Maybe it was superstition- of what I don't know.  His struggle wasn't something I really wanted to capture on camera. 

There was lots of napping with mom in the days post fever. 

More napping.

This face.....because I wouldn't pick him up. 

Sharing my food with him. 

Still not quite smiling with mom and still super tired but we're getting better!