Getting Anxious

These feelings are all too familiar 

The last few nights I've been getting slightly anxious, slightly sad, and mostly hormonal. I felt this way right before Thomas was born and I was having major anxiety over figuring out how to love two kids with the same ferocity and intensity as I loved my, at the time, just one kid. Ok, well, I figured that part out. Moms have an endless well of love, and while I love my boys differently, I love them with to the same degree. Got it, don't have to worry about making room in my heart for a third kid. Now though, my anxiety lies with Thomas no longer being my YOUNGEST. He's getting bumped to the role of middle child-or as I'm going to try to make myself say- 2nd child to try to remove some of the stigma. Matt usually puts Charles to bed with a book and some cuddles, while I stay in our bed with Thomas until he falls asleep, then we move him over to his bed in the boys' room. Lately, as I've been having these end of day snuggles with my current youngest child, I've found myself randomly bursting into tears and not ready to move him to 2nd child status. 

This boy- who has given me so much heartache over his stubbornness and carefree attitude- is now bringing me to tears. He is so extremely little for his age. I think he's in the 20% for weight. And yet, despite how itty bitty he is, his personality is huge- it's ginormous. He can literally make me laugh out loud with just one word, one look, one gesture. His smile is infectious and just the most wonderful thing about him. While my oldest is my Mr. Serious and Mr. Regimented, Thomas is the family clown- when he's in a good mood. If he's in a bad mood, he's bringing everyone down with him. I think part of the reason I'm struggling with moving him to 2nd child status comes with the fact that his vocabulary and speech have grown exponentially this month. And his voice is so different from Charles'. Everyone comments on how deep Charles' voice is, he sounds like a kid but....he doesn't at the same time. Thomas as a kid voice, matches his itty bitty frame perfectly. And to hear him learn new words (usually just a regurgitation of what big bro says) and form his own sentences, and follow EVERY sentence or phrase with mommy, well this kid is working his way into my heart even more and more. Watching his personality unfold right before me is truly one of the most wonderful things about motherhood. 

So I think part of my struggle right now is knowing that this little boy, who is blossoming right before my very eyes, is going to be getting less attention from me here soon. Baby brother is going to need me more, and Matt is going to step in and take on a bigger role with our 2nd child. While I know I will love this new addition just as much and I do his big brothers, I just don't feel ready to let go of my time snuggling Thomas before he goes to bed. He pats me on the arm as he's falling asleep. He nuzzles his head into my underarm until he finds the perfect spot. He says "I love you too mommy" when I tell him I love him as he drifts off to sleep. I watch his little eyes get droopy and his long lashes rest on the tops of his cheeks. I watch his pouty lips (yay mom's contribution) part as my little mouth breather falls into a deeper sleep. I'll miss those sweet moments with him, knowing he's falling asleep soundly because he's in the safety of my arms. I have no idea how I'm going to manage cuddling with all 3 but you better believe I will find a way. Mamas always do.