Working Mom Guilt

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I had a meltdown today. A big one- it wasn't pretty. Ok I have lots of meltdowns but this one warranted some blogging because I feel like a lot of working moms can relate to this. My little man Henry has an ear infection and the dreaded Hand Foot and Mouth virus. He was fighting a fever overnight and we had a nice ole party from 0200-0400 early this morning. I wasn't too worried at first because the older two would go to daycare and I had my work laptop at home so I could knock out what I needed to do. Grateful for the option to telecommute during special circumstances! Oh there were other plans ya'll..... when it came time for me to get on my work server...it wasn't working. Let the flood of emotions come rolling in and the  waterworks flow freely.
  1. GUILT- I need to take care of my sick kid- but I need to get this work report done too.
  2. ANGER & FRUSTRATION- Why can't I be comfortable leaving my baby with my husband who has the day off? Sure he can't breastfeed but Henry takes bottles just fine and I have a stash of frozen milk. But my mama heart wants my sick baby near me because I believe in the power of breastfeeding, especially when the little one is sick. Something about mama's touch just *has* to make them feel better right? If it were the older two I would have left them with Matt no problem. But let's be honest, Matt can't comfort this little guy like I can, even when it comes to holding him. Henry will still squirm and wriggle in daddy's arms but give him to mama- and he's a happy little ham. 
  3. WHY ME- Why does my kiddo have to be sick when I have no sick leave to take? Why does my kiddo have to go to daycare so I can work? We all know daycare is diseases ridden. Why does this have to happen after the week we've had with the ER visits and hospital stays? He's only 3 months old- I don't need this added stress! WHY ME? 
  4. GUILT- again, here's the guilt. I quit a job I loved- being an officer in the Air Force- so I could be home with my kids. By home I mean, not have to deploy or go on extended trips. But I still want to work. I want to do something for ME (cue ugly guilt). I want to be working towards something, I want a purpose aside from motherhood that gives me fulfillment, I want to make difference in lives outside of my family's, I want a paycheck to keep the lifestyle I enjoy...I want...I want....ok guilt bring on the waterworks. 
And they came. Oh they came. So I found a sort of compromise- I left my annoying computer at home and came to work with Henry. Changed into work attire and I'm wearing my little man in my Ergo 360 (what an awesome little contraption that Ergo). I'm using Matt's computer because he has one of those fancy stand up desks (yes my husband and I work together) and he's in a more secluded office. Fortunately, it's that awkward week between Christmas and New Years where nobody knows what to do or if they should come to work and it's empty here. The ones here aren't judging me (maybe they are, I don't know, they're all old retired CMSgts) for having Henry with me. So I'm grateful for the option to do this- although it's not one I want to take very often.


Let's just say it was a rough morning, but we're surviving. It's hard being a working mom- it's hard WANTING to be a working mom. And my guilt doesn't come because of  anyone else, nobody pressures me into feeling one way or another. I don't feel judgment from friends because I choose to work, if anything they understand my struggle. I heard a term today that spoke to me- #millenialmotherhood. Heard that from fellow working mom and our family photographer Jami Thompson.  While I hate being associated with that term, let's face it, my 1985 birth year makes me a snowflake. Sure I'm on the cusp of qualifying as a snowflake but I still do. And I am in the throws of #millenialmotherhood trying to figure out how to have it all and feeling like I'm failing miserably.


Nursing in the bathroom-thank goodness there's a couch
Look closely....so much spit up. Making the workplace smell so good! Guess it's good that nobody's around because it's the holidays. 

Bathroom selfie. I took so many of these when I was preggo with this little guy. 

Love you forever little one. 



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