I wanna see you be brave
I was watching a Madison Vining live video on Facebook and was so very inspired by it that I had to watch it again to take notes. If you don't know who she is- look her up on Instagram @madisonviningblog and you will be amazed by her. Just have a box of Kleenex handy because she is extremely open about her current struggle with a horrible tragedy. And yet despite that- she is still so incredibly motivating, I am blown away by her strength, faith, and wisdom. Anyway, I was listening to her live video while driving home and I immediately knew that I'd have to listen to it again. Taking notes while driving is most likely frowned upon. The second I had a moment to spare I watched it. This time instead of just listening, I had my Kleenex handy and jotted down a few things.
She opened up with being intentional and a story about raising kids. What do I want my kids to look like when they're older? How do I get them there? Does it just become a goal of mine and I hope my children are those people when the time comes? No! That's so silly, and yet I realized that it's how I had been raising my boys. Sure I take teaching moments when I can and I definitely push education on them with reading, math, puzzles, etc, but I had really been sucking in the growing them as humans department and it was because I wasn't being intentional with my parenting. Huge fail Amor. HUGE. I let too many things get in the way of my intentional parenting. Like- they're throwing a fit and it's easier to just threaten them with going to their room to get them to stop instead of getting to the root of the problem. When I force my kids to stop crying or stop throwing a fit, a little voice pops in and says, "Amor, you know there's a deeper reason and you need to help you and your kid understand the cause of this fit" and I too often ignore it for the shortcut that gets me an immediate solution- silence and obedience. Ok sometimes the fit is because they're hitting each other or because I said no to the THIRD helping of fruit snacks, but other times, it's because they can't get their jacket on. For example, Thomas is trying to put on his jacket, he struggles with it, tantrum on the floor. I'm trying to do something else for another kid like maybe feed Henry, and the tantrum is just not something I want to deal with so I get mad at the noise and completely overlook the fact that my son was trying to do what I asked but at his age, was perfectly incapable of completely the task. There is no way he could manage that by himself, he doesn't have the dexterity and spatial awareness to do that and he's frustrated because he wants to please me but can't. And there I go, getting mad at him. Fueling his frustration, making him feel even worse when all he really wants to do is help me out and be a good boy. He can't express how he feels, he can't have a conversation with me about feelings, he doesn't know the words and he surely doesn't even understand how he feels! I failed him you guys. I failed him because a short cut was easier and giving in to anger was easier. How can I have a conversation with him about how he feels when his attention span is 2 seconds or when he is having a fit and screaming through my attempted explanation? What's the point in trying to talk it out when it doesn't seem like he gets it, when it doesn't seem like he's listening? This is intentional parenting. I'm expecting him to listen and respond like an adult, or even like a kid but a kid significantly older than him. It's UNFAIR and I am FAILING him. I am not being an intentional parent, I am being a shortcut parent. I'm being a fix the small problem now create bigger problems in the future parent. And it makes me hurt inside you guys- it hurts so bad that I'm being that way. I see it, I know it- and in the moment I don't care, I just want to put a bandaid on the problem and get back to what I was originally doing. I don't like how much I'm being stretched so I try to unstretch myself in the fastest way possible. But- if I let myself be stretched now, in this tiny way, imagine how much I can accomplish as a parent in the years to come because I'll just be building on that. Imagine how far I can stretch when he's 10 an I'm dealing with whatever comes with 10 year old boys. But it has to start now! I need to stop focusing on what I want the boys to be when they're older and hope they get there just because I want it to being intentional in the freaking present so I guarantee that they are the kid, teenager, young adult, man I pray they can be. It's so simple right?
Ok that was a tangent I actually didn't expect to dive into so much but things come out when I'm typing and I just go with it. The point of her talk was to think about your ultimate goal and the type of person you want to be when you get there and work backwards. Be that person now! Don't wait until the money is there to emulate those skills and characteristics because let's face it, if you can't be that person now why would you be that person when you've "made it." So very true. Here are a few things I took down from her session:
-be intentional NOW: ok I think I expanded on that already
-stretch slowly: also hit that one
- comparison is the thief of joy: how true is this? I feel like mothers are the worst at this and social media just fuels the fire. All moms struggle, I promise you this. Just because the pictures online are happy well posed kids in fabulous clothes and perfect lighting and it seems like the mom can manage to dress herself (huge accomplishment), her perfectly behaved kids, and get them to do some task that looks like it took all day to set up (omg who has the time? She clearly does-NOT) doesn't mean that that mom is better than you because you can't imagine pulling something like that off. Doing my very best IS ENOUGH. It is so enough. Doing my best and being true to myself will get me to where I want to be, it will keep my family happy, it will keep me happy.
- do not waste your platform, do not miss divine appointments, make your voice shake: So then I thought, what is my platform? That's still a work in progress but lately, my platform has been #workingmomstruggles or perhaps #militarywifelife and the fun that comes with trying to have a career while raising children with a husband who's job serves such an honorable purpose and you have to understand that and find joy in that without resentment or jealousy. Or maybe my platform is feed all the hungry kids because anyone that knows me knows that just the thought of a kid going hungry will make me immediately ugly cry. Snap your fingers ugly cry, it happens so fast. Those are things I feel passionately about and those are things I need to share and talk about until my voice shakes.
- prioritize your family; be a present parent: life is short and it will throw curveballs at you and you should never take things for granted, EVER. Nothing is worth it if you can't take your family with you. Matt and I talk about it all the time. His job is important and we take pride in our military lifestyle but it's not forever. Finding the work life balance is extremely important to us. He's going to retire eventually- and when he does- he wants his family at his retirement. He wants his family to know him at his retirement because family was prioritized with work. I want that too, in whatever my career becomes or however life takes me. I made the decision to get out of the military because I was prioritizing my children over a career I loved, that trend needs to continue.
-It's thankful people who are happy; a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles: WHOA. PROFOUND. How true is that? Do I even need to write more?
So then I wrote down attributes that I want to emulate, things I need to include in my life NOW, so when I've "made it" I'm still this person just with more resources.
Gracious
Inspiring
Generous
Present Mom
Be Worthy
Servant Hearted
Family Centered
*Feed all the hungry children* Ok that's not an attribute but it motivates me because while I recognize I can't feed all the hungry children, I want to do volunteer and charity work that helps feed hungry children.
She opened up with being intentional and a story about raising kids. What do I want my kids to look like when they're older? How do I get them there? Does it just become a goal of mine and I hope my children are those people when the time comes? No! That's so silly, and yet I realized that it's how I had been raising my boys. Sure I take teaching moments when I can and I definitely push education on them with reading, math, puzzles, etc, but I had really been sucking in the growing them as humans department and it was because I wasn't being intentional with my parenting. Huge fail Amor. HUGE. I let too many things get in the way of my intentional parenting. Like- they're throwing a fit and it's easier to just threaten them with going to their room to get them to stop instead of getting to the root of the problem. When I force my kids to stop crying or stop throwing a fit, a little voice pops in and says, "Amor, you know there's a deeper reason and you need to help you and your kid understand the cause of this fit" and I too often ignore it for the shortcut that gets me an immediate solution- silence and obedience. Ok sometimes the fit is because they're hitting each other or because I said no to the THIRD helping of fruit snacks, but other times, it's because they can't get their jacket on. For example, Thomas is trying to put on his jacket, he struggles with it, tantrum on the floor. I'm trying to do something else for another kid like maybe feed Henry, and the tantrum is just not something I want to deal with so I get mad at the noise and completely overlook the fact that my son was trying to do what I asked but at his age, was perfectly incapable of completely the task. There is no way he could manage that by himself, he doesn't have the dexterity and spatial awareness to do that and he's frustrated because he wants to please me but can't. And there I go, getting mad at him. Fueling his frustration, making him feel even worse when all he really wants to do is help me out and be a good boy. He can't express how he feels, he can't have a conversation with me about feelings, he doesn't know the words and he surely doesn't even understand how he feels! I failed him you guys. I failed him because a short cut was easier and giving in to anger was easier. How can I have a conversation with him about how he feels when his attention span is 2 seconds or when he is having a fit and screaming through my attempted explanation? What's the point in trying to talk it out when it doesn't seem like he gets it, when it doesn't seem like he's listening? This is intentional parenting. I'm expecting him to listen and respond like an adult, or even like a kid but a kid significantly older than him. It's UNFAIR and I am FAILING him. I am not being an intentional parent, I am being a shortcut parent. I'm being a fix the small problem now create bigger problems in the future parent. And it makes me hurt inside you guys- it hurts so bad that I'm being that way. I see it, I know it- and in the moment I don't care, I just want to put a bandaid on the problem and get back to what I was originally doing. I don't like how much I'm being stretched so I try to unstretch myself in the fastest way possible. But- if I let myself be stretched now, in this tiny way, imagine how much I can accomplish as a parent in the years to come because I'll just be building on that. Imagine how far I can stretch when he's 10 an I'm dealing with whatever comes with 10 year old boys. But it has to start now! I need to stop focusing on what I want the boys to be when they're older and hope they get there just because I want it to being intentional in the freaking present so I guarantee that they are the kid, teenager, young adult, man I pray they can be. It's so simple right?
Ok that was a tangent I actually didn't expect to dive into so much but things come out when I'm typing and I just go with it. The point of her talk was to think about your ultimate goal and the type of person you want to be when you get there and work backwards. Be that person now! Don't wait until the money is there to emulate those skills and characteristics because let's face it, if you can't be that person now why would you be that person when you've "made it." So very true. Here are a few things I took down from her session:
-be intentional NOW: ok I think I expanded on that already
-stretch slowly: also hit that one
- comparison is the thief of joy: how true is this? I feel like mothers are the worst at this and social media just fuels the fire. All moms struggle, I promise you this. Just because the pictures online are happy well posed kids in fabulous clothes and perfect lighting and it seems like the mom can manage to dress herself (huge accomplishment), her perfectly behaved kids, and get them to do some task that looks like it took all day to set up (omg who has the time? She clearly does-NOT) doesn't mean that that mom is better than you because you can't imagine pulling something like that off. Doing my very best IS ENOUGH. It is so enough. Doing my best and being true to myself will get me to where I want to be, it will keep my family happy, it will keep me happy.
- do not waste your platform, do not miss divine appointments, make your voice shake: So then I thought, what is my platform? That's still a work in progress but lately, my platform has been #workingmomstruggles or perhaps #militarywifelife and the fun that comes with trying to have a career while raising children with a husband who's job serves such an honorable purpose and you have to understand that and find joy in that without resentment or jealousy. Or maybe my platform is feed all the hungry kids because anyone that knows me knows that just the thought of a kid going hungry will make me immediately ugly cry. Snap your fingers ugly cry, it happens so fast. Those are things I feel passionately about and those are things I need to share and talk about until my voice shakes.
- prioritize your family; be a present parent: life is short and it will throw curveballs at you and you should never take things for granted, EVER. Nothing is worth it if you can't take your family with you. Matt and I talk about it all the time. His job is important and we take pride in our military lifestyle but it's not forever. Finding the work life balance is extremely important to us. He's going to retire eventually- and when he does- he wants his family at his retirement. He wants his family to know him at his retirement because family was prioritized with work. I want that too, in whatever my career becomes or however life takes me. I made the decision to get out of the military because I was prioritizing my children over a career I loved, that trend needs to continue.
-It's thankful people who are happy; a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles: WHOA. PROFOUND. How true is that? Do I even need to write more?
So then I wrote down attributes that I want to emulate, things I need to include in my life NOW, so when I've "made it" I'm still this person just with more resources.
Gracious
Inspiring
Generous
Present Mom
Be Worthy
Servant Hearted
Family Centered
*Feed all the hungry children* Ok that's not an attribute but it motivates me because while I recognize I can't feed all the hungry children, I want to do volunteer and charity work that helps feed hungry children.
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