Just Cuddle With Me

- August 22, 2015

A New World

My second night in the hospital, I found myself getting so frustrated. I kept trying to put Tater Tot in the bassinet next to my bed and he wasn't having any of it. He was clean, fed, swaddled, what more could he need? I found myself sending angry texts to Matt, who was soundly sleeping at home with Jellybean. I can't do this.... this kid won't let me put him down....I'm going to give in to the pacifier...complaint after complaint. I finally caved and let the little guy sleep on my chest, and sleep soundly he did, both of us actually.

Over the next few days, as I wrestled with wanting to put him down and him absolutely refusing, things started to dawn on me. First of all, this could very well be my last newborn. While we haven't ruled out baby number 3, we haven't ruled IN baby number 3 either. The plan is to reevaluate in a few years and who knows how we'll feel then. So why in the world am I fighting cherishing every sweet newborn moment when Tater Tot could be our youngest child?

Then another thought dawned on me. For 9 months, for his whole life, this little man wanted nothing from his mama. He didn't need it, I was all around him. He was warm, cozy, comfy, the sound of my heart beat soothed him to sleep and the sway of my body as I moved around calmed him. And then, all of a sudden, he's pushed out into this cold, loud, and bright world. The constant drum of my heart no longer there, the warmth of my womb replaced by blankets and new scents, the darkness replaced by sharp blinding lights. He now knows what it feels like to be too dry or too wet, too hungry, too warm, too cold, it's not the perfect setting anymore.

There are so many times I wish I could just put him down so I can run around the house after my toddler or pick up small messes. There are so many projects that I want to tackle or stay on top of. Why should all that stop because I have this newborn? Well dammit Amor, why the hell shouldn't it? Ok, chasing JB and playing with him will never stop because he is also a priority. But all that other stuff? Why am I stressing over making sure the house is clean, the fridge is stocked, and the laundry not overfilling? This sweet innocent little man, who's known nothing but the comfort of his mom his whole life and wants nothing more than to be held in that all too familiar cocoon that is mama's arms, why shouldn't he get what he wants? He's being thrust into this new world, just like I am being thrust into a new world of two under two. It's frustrating and it's scary. Hell, there are plenty of times that I just want a hug. Makes perfect sense that he would too.

When I hold my little man, his cries turn into coos, his muscles relax, a smile forms on his lips (yeah yeah it's probably gas but I don't care), his eyes roll to the back of his head, and he's off to dreamland. He hears that familiar heartbeat and feels that familiar warmth, and this strange new world becomes a little more bearable. So I'm sorry I tried to strip you of that my dear Tater Tot. I'm sorry I tried to force you into this world too quickly instead of holding you through this transition. I promise to spend more time just sitting with you, smelling your newborn sweetness, listening to your coos that I didn't realize I missed in your big brother until I heard it from you and it made me remember, and everything else that will help you feel more comfortable so you can grow into the strong boy you're meant to be.

And if this is my last time with a newborn, why am I trying to speed through it with chores and work? Gosh I must be half crazy sometimes. I feel like JB was JUST in this position and now he's running around the house saying words, doing "chores," eating real food, and developing quite the hilarious goofy personality. I'm lucky if I can get him to sit with me and just cuddle unless it's nap time or bedtime, and even that isn't exactly always peaceful. I can't even remember the last time I just sat with him while he napped in my arms, he doesn't let us rock him and he hates being held like a baby....he's way too big anyway. So me trying to fight just sitting and holding Tater Tot while he naps in my arms sound kind of absurd considering how quickly time flies and how much I'll be missing these moments in no time.

It's a double edged sword having children this close in age. They'll be the best of friends (hopefully) and since they'll essentially be developing on the same track, it will be easy to plan activities that will please both boys. But at the same time, I feel like this time having babies in the house will go by too quickly and it will be a blur before I know it. I'm knocking them out so fast that we'll be done with diapers and nap times on mom and dad in no time and onto....."you're embarrassing me" before we know it.