The Road to Delivery

To induce or not induce.....

At my 40 week checkup, my midwife's technician looked at me sadly and said, "we kept checking the Labor and Delivery check ins to see if your name was going to show." At my 39 week checkup, they were so sure I would deliver soon. I had already been to L&D for labor pains, I was 4cm dilated, the signs were all pointing to baby coming soon. But alas, there I was at 40 weeks, still at 4cm, still waiting. I had plenty of meltdowns those last few weeks, mostly crying in the shower first thing in the morning when I woke up to my water not breaking or woke up without any labor pains. I would go to bed cramping and contracting and wake up perfectly fine! I was getting short with everyone, especially at work. A girl can only handle so many "you're still pregnant!?" comments. I mean, come on people, you think I'm trying to stay this uncomfortable and in pain? You don't think I want to meet this little guy that's clearly way too cozy in my belly? I kept telling myself to just stop thinking about it and let it happen on its own, to enjoy my uninterrupted time with Charles and Thomas. Every time I got a contraction I tried to ignore it, to laugh it off like ha- that won't lead to anything. 

Anyway, as soon as my midwife walked in to that 40 week appointment (a Friday, and actually several days past 40 weeks), she said, I booked you to get induced on Monday. You show up at 1800 and they'll start you on medicine. Praise Jesus! That's what went through my head. There was an end in sight, finally, a day to look forward to because the unknown was making me go absolutely batty. She also gave me a membrane sweep that appointment. I immediately started cramping...but in the days that followed, despite my discomfort and the cramping, the contractions never got timetable, the cramping would come and go, and I still woke up every morning contraction free and my water intact. But, I was determined to try to enjoy the weekend with my boys because I knew Monday would mean the beginning of a long induction process (my midwife said, expect to deliver Wendesday if you're induced on Monday....wow that's a long time!). 

On Monday I skipped work, I didn't want to hear the comments. I didn't want to deal with it. I repacked my hospital bag for an anticipated long and boring stay waiting for the meds to kick start labor. I got a mani/pedi, I wanted to go to Michaels but for some reason, that day, I was feeling pretty crappy and decided against it. I was cramping and contracting but the pain was tolerable. I picked up the boys from daycare early because I knew I'd be in the hospital for a while and I'd miss them terribly. We took them to the park on base and had them chase balls, run around, and check out the airplanes. Before I knew it, it was time to check in. Matt dropped me off at the hospital and off and I struggled to get my bag up to L&D....I was really feeling crappy that day. 

I couldn't even check in until 1900 even though they said come at 1800. Apparently they were short staffed and everyone decided to have their baby that day. I was desperately hoping they wouldn't bump the girl that was getting induced for a girl that was actually in labor. While I waited in the waiting room (eating a huge bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms because I knew junk food would be a thing of the past in a few days), I anxiously waited to see if a mom in labor was going to bump me from my spot. I get that she would be a priority, but I was being selfish and I wanted it to be my turn. 

Fortunately I was able to get room (the last room available!!) and get checked in. The tech that did my IV as soon as I got there said, "you might not want to look, I get pretty messy when I do this" In my mind I was thinking, well this isn't a good start. First I have to wait an extra hour and then my tech just admitted she makes a mess when she does the IV?? All the while my contractions were starting to get kind of annoying...but again, I didn't think anything of it. I had been having contractions for weeks and they weren't doing anything. As soon as the tech was done with my IV a nurse walked in and seemed slightly disappointed that I already had that crucial step done. I think the were going to boot me! So mess or not, I'm so glad that tech got to work on me as quickly as she did! 

Finally my nurse for the night came in and checked on me and while we were talking, she noticed my contractions were making me breathe deeply and I had to take a moment to answer some of her questions. She hooked me up to the monitors just to track my contractions and said she'd come back. When she did come back, she confirmed that I was indeed having real labor contractions and already at 6cm. The midwife said, I can go home now and labor until I"m ready to come back in later when I was in full blown labor or just stay put. Umm.....you just told me I had the last bed and everyone and their mom is having babies tonight. I am not giving up my spot! They still acted like they might give me pitocin as a result of my choosing to stay just to follow through with the induction process, and just in case my contractions weren't doing anything to dilate my cervix fast enough. 

Well at this point, I figured it was time to tell Matt there was a good chance we'd be having this baby before the sun came up and we should probably figure out what to do with the kids. We had a bunch of plans and people on standby but when push came to shove, it took a minute to figure out what we really wanted to do. Basically, I told him to figure it out because I was a little busy dealing with this whole having a baby business. So he opted to keep the kid with a coworker of ours, a mom to...I think 5? Maybe 6 kids? Her family is in Tennessee and she's here in Virginia for the summer and I am so grateful for her offering to watch the boys. 

The nurses came back and asked if I had a birth plan, at which point I laughed. I didn't really even have one with my first kid. Give me the drugs, that's my birth plan. Matt and I immediately noticed that the anesthesiologist I had was the same one Thomas had for his ear tubes. We remember how calming she was when she spoke, definitely not someone you forget. Finally, good signs coming my way! I got the epidural at 7cm dilated, because I know that after 7cm sitting still during a contraction would be impossible for me and I didn't want a natural birth. I did warn her that the epidurals always numb me from the waste down but never really work on my contractions like the movies make it seem. That apparently made her determined to try to break the cycle I had with the first two deliveries and actually dull my contractions. While I still felt them, none of them had needing to hold Matt's hand while I said four letter words over and over again. These were the best contractions I had ever had! The epidural on the other hand....seriously the worst part of labor. The epidural ALWAYS gives me so much anxiety. I dread it more than anything else, the initial poke burns so bad and I was definitely saying bad words over and over again and crushing Matt's fingers. Afterwards he looked at me and said that hurt....but the look I gave him back quieted him pretty quickly. Bro- you're sitting there snacking, watching Monday night football, and not in labor. Don't talk to me about anything hurting. 

After a few more hours, they decided to check me again, this was at around 0300 Tuesday morning. They had opted out of giving me pitocin since apparently the girl that was supposed to get induced was actually in labor. I wonder if I would have been too stubborn to admit I was in labor if this appointment hadn't been scheduled for me. Too stubborn or too negative to believe my kiddo was actually coming? I wouldn't put it past myself. Anyway at 0300 they checked me again and I was at 9cm. The midwife asked if I wanted my water broken and I said sure, whatever you think is best. She said, if you feel a weird sensation by your pubic bone, that's the baby and it's time to push so call us back. Or if you feel the urge to push, call us back. Well, I never feel the urge to push and I was numb down there so I told her to just come back in 30 minutes please. Well, 20 minutes later I felt that weird sensation on my pubic bone....I called her back and she confirmed that little man was ready to make his appearance into the world. Four pushes later...or maybe it was five....my sweet Henry James Moran came into this world at 0335L on Tuesday, September 26, 2017. Even though I was numb, I felt when I had pushed his head out, and then asked if I needed to keep pushing but apparently I didn't  and he just kind of....came out once she adjusted him. I distinctly remember her saying "he's still coming out...wow he's long....wow he's got long toes...." Then I heard him cry, before I saw him, and it was the most wonderful beautiful sound I had ever heard. I've never cried at the birth of my children, but that moment, that FINALLY! moment, brought tears to my eyes.  And just like that, my little man was on my chest as they cleaned him and checked him and did whatever they needed to but honestly the world kind of fades away when they put your baby on your chest and it's just you and that baby in those first few moments of life. I was in total shock at how big he was. I mean sure, I knew he'd be bigger because I had gone over my due date but 10lbs?!?!? I knew my lady parts were going to be hurting pretty bad in the days to come. 10lbs and 1.8oz, 22 inches, barely any hair and what was there was super light colored, blue/gray eyes, insanely long fingers and toes that were also super wrinkly (apparently a symptom of overcooked babies are super wrinkly fingers and toes), and very pale. The perfect mix of his big brothers, although if you ask Charles, Henry looks like him and nobody else. 

Matt stayed for a little while longer and then he had to leave to get the older boys and it was just me and my Henry. I had a newborn again. That first night, well really that morning, we did very little sleeping. I was still on a high from finally meeting my sweet boy and this kiddo had a need to suck like I never saw with the other two. I immediately knew I'd be relenting on my no pacifier rule because my boobs were already hurting after just 12 hours and when I didn't give him the boob he was sucking his hands to the point that they were turning red and bruising! Ok little guy, you win. You're our third baby, our last baby. You're supposed to be spoiled anyway. Have that stinking pacifier. 

That first actual day in the hospital reminded me of how exhausting having a little one is. I kept trying to sleep but they kept checking him every 30 minutes and me every hour. There was no sleeping...and it was getting frustrating but I get why they had to check on us so often. I can't complain about that. 

I spent a lot of time in the hospital staring at my third son, my last son. While I love having a baby again, this last pregnancy and the negativity it put me in confirmed that I am definitely done being pregnant and having babies. My body doesn't want to go through that anymore. Henry makes my motherhood journey feel whole. He completes our family. We are a family of 5 and it feels good and right. I am a boy mom and that feels good and right. I look at that sweet boy and I get so mad at myself for being such a negative Nancy those last few weeks, I was even getting mad at him! Thinking he didn't want to meet me, I know, I was getting irrational. Eye roll. Henry is perhaps the sweetest child, and I attribute feeling that way to the fact that he is my last born child. I'm savoring every moment with him and those 2 exhausting days in the hospital were only made better by his sweet and very chunky face and that newborn smell. His soft (omg it's so soft) head, his long fingers, those blue eyes that look like Charles' did, that pouty lip that looks like Thomas' did....

It was a long journey getting to meet my Henry. From that first day in the German supermarket when I just knew I was pregnant because I never ever throw up like that, to having the boys alone while Matt was still in Germany, to being more pregnant than I ever had been before (omg i have stretch marks now!) to thinking I was getting induced and not knowing I was actually in labor on my own....to finally meeting my amazing tiny human who is blessing our family with so much love and joy I could never fully capture it with words. 

I love you Henry James, more than you will ever know. A son will never fully comprehend the love a mother has for her children, it's different than that of a father of their child. But I don't need him to fully grasp the ferocity of my love for him, to understand just what I'd be willing to do for him as a result of my carrying him, my role in creating him.....and that's perfectly ok. I look at him in complete amazement that he went from tiny cell to tiny human in just 9 months (I say just 9 months now, but when I was still pregnant at 9 months it felt like it had been eternity). I am truly amazed at what my body is able to do. Growing a human and delivering that human to this world is nothing short of a miracle. There's no other word for something that beautiful, that pure. While my journey in taking part in that miracle is over, I am so very grateful I was able to experience pregnancy. Now, on to the joys of raising 3 boys way too close in age.